Rollercoaster ride of emotions. Suddenly I'm upset again...

why does it always have to be this way?

why do we always have to do it this way?

I'm tired...

Would you be there? (Redwan Ali)

If I were blue, would you be there for me,
And whisper in my ears that's ok.
Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time.

If I feel good, would you slow dance with me,
And touch my lips with tender loving care,
Would you die for me, would you run with me,
And never look back..

Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,
to take my breath away?

Would you be there..

If I'm away will you still think of me?
And wish that you could hold me now?
Would you die for me, would you run with me
all the way

Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,
to take my breath away?


Would you be there to save my soul tonight?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be there
to kiss my pain away

Would you be there..

for me...

AURGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Some people are annoying beyond belief! And you can't bitch about them coz you know they read your blog. OH GAWDDDDDDDDDDDDD! I can't believe the stupidity of certain people! Why why why! And why is it always the guys who are SO DENSE!

seriously...a whole chain of expletives are welling up within me and i feel like BLASTING it out now!

AURGH! Dear God please keep me sane!

"The Art Of Letting Go"

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

It doesn't always have to be hurting over a boyfriend...sometimes it's a girlfriend you can't seem to let go...someone you still care about no matter what

There are times where out of the blue, you just feel like doing nothing at all but crawling up on your bed and cry yourself to sleep in a corner...

this is one of the times

Random

Beware...most of the sentences in this post doesn't link at all just random thoughts going through my mind

1. I shall take this as a test

2. Is it possible to love and hate the same person at the same time? I don't mean, sometimes you love that person, and sometimes you hate that person...i mean, all at once. Coz that's currently what I'm feeling now

3. JW asked me recently, if i will always bear a grudge against someone whom I hate currently. Kinda hard to answer since there are a few in the different 'hate' categories...some people deserve that forgiveness...some just don't...I still haven't learn how to forgive everyone who trespasses against me and pretend that everything is alright. But for those who loves to create rumours when I hardly even know you just coz you're a dumb bitch/bastard with fucking big mouths, well, you don't deserve it. For those who went all out to create hell for my life in school just coz your own life is shitty, neither do you deserve it. For those that I'm disappointed with...most probably one day I'll meet you again, but I would have already lost all trust in you.

4. Had a nice weekend! Love it that every week starts with God in my mind. It's a kind of joy that no number of words can describe! Buttt...HELL week is starting in about 8 hours! Eeks! =( SOOOO many million things to be done by this upcoming week! Projects after projects! RAWRS!

5. Dips asked why my sentences always has a long tail...hmm just something that i adopted from people that i can't change now. Something like "rawrs"

6. Went to Sentosa to chill on Sat. Remembered the last time I went there. What occasion it was. Who I was with. How much fun we had. And when the memories comes back...it left an empty feeling within my heart.

7. Yay! PRO sports for upcoming 08/09 batch Matric Fair! Didn't really care what position i was thrown into as long as im in the comm! Its a nice feeling to go back just coz of the people and not coz you really wanna attain a prestige for your resume...it makes work so much more fun. Jas's the PD and my dear Hasan (who is in love with SOMEONE *grinz*) is VPD! And dearest sweetest craziest Wen Phei is in Welfare! Means we're all gonna be well taken care of and have nice yummy food all the time riteeeee! *grin grin* How ultra cool is that! SO HAPPY!!!! Yays! Lalalalalala! At least a fun project to look forward to than having to dread meetings everytime rawr!

Alrights time for bed! I love my bed! *dives*

Relationships Bullshits

It kinda sucks sometimes when you know that too many people are reading your blog and when there's something too personal...you ache to talk abt it but can't. RAWRS!

A relationship is not as simple as adding it all up. It's not ALMOST impossible, it IS IMPOSSIBLE to fit everyone into the ideal guy n girl friends expectations that each of us hold. And sadly...even when all seems perfect...missing that 0.1% of something, just crashes the whole relationship. How wonderful...

Of coz...it'll be a nice warm feeling to anyone to know that someone has feeling for you. It's true that alot of times, you won't know how things will really be until you're in the relationship itself. But I've enough of breakups and makeups, to want to hurt anyone anymore, including myself.

Promises of how good and perfect the relationship will be, how that guy will never leave nor forsake you, how that guy will take the greatest care of you, how two people make their plans for the future together...it used to be something that means so much to me...but all that seems to be fleeting words, the nice harmonic choice of words that I'm already numb to (ok not numb...but definitely 99.9% skeptical about) since it all turns out to be bullshit. No matter who it is...it's became a shadow I know I can never completely walk out of.

It's not that I'm not following my heart or that I'm trying to escape issues, I just feel that after so much...my relationships don't work coz I've never really did give it fully to God. I let my emotions, my heart rule over my principles and my faith. This time, I know I need to listen. It might be a decision that is going to break me for that moment...but I know I need to hang on.

I know how to love someone. But its not the Godly love that God desires from me.

I need to know and love Him more, before I'm able to pass on this happiness and love to someone else. Anyone.

It's not that I don't hurt. Because of a lot of reasons, I do.

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Just a thought...

I may not be pretty
I may not be smart
I may not have a nice figure (hmm...in fact thats a definite DON'T)
I may not have a good dress sense
I may not know the right words to say at times
I may not be the nicest person to be around
I may say the stupidest most bimbotic things at the wrongest times
I may annoy people with my actions sometimes


but this is ME

i hate to live under the expectations of people...whether they say it or not

i wanna be who i am. people's comments do affect me, it hurts sometimes but i want to be accepted the way i am. i don't want to be someone else. i don't like the feeling of trying to be someone else just to impress people or please people.

people who get try to get to know me through other people just coz of my display pictures or coz they saw me dolled up when i club, usually don't give me a very good impression. so seriously, don't even try.

I've kinda had enuff of these kinda nonsense. Accept me for who i am, or find another ideal friend or girl you want to hook up with.

Okays just another thought before I go back to work...

I WILL cut down on my vulgarities =D

Hehh

I offer my life

for my friends who are going through the hard times in life, take a listen to this music video =) hope it changes your life as much as it once did to mine. =)



No matter how tough, no matter how low the times are, God never closes one window without opening another. We don't always have to be strong, we don't always have to hide our emotions...the sweetest thing sometimes, is breaking down in front of God, humbling down ourselves, and finally allowing Him to take over our lives for us. It's one of the greatest gift given to us...the chance to run to Him anytime. He, who loves us and will never forsake us. He, whose hands flung stars into space, the same hands that were nailed to the cross out of love for us.

To all the Christians out there...what have we done to deserve His love? Have we lived our lives a christian one?

I AM SO IN LOVE!!!!!

Ok I'm in love with God and I'm in love with Planet Shaker's music!!!! THEY ARE SOOO GOOD! So much better than Delirious! at least P.S's songs have meanings.

AND THEY ARE COMING IN APRIL!!!!!! WOOTS!!!!



I love the feeling of going back to church and dwelling in His presence again!

I love the feeling of waking up earlier on Sundays and taking my own sweet time to think about His grace and love and thank Him for every little thing around me that I might have not have taken notice of, while I stroll up to church.

Every service is so empowering that it's just so hard to deny God's presence in my life.

Someone asked about my faith just ytd. I don't really know how to express it in words. Sometimes certain things one just has to experience for themselves...coz God works in wonderful ways which we cannot see. And certain things are just too hard to deny and pretend it's all coincidental...its the works of God. Like how I've pulled through this turning point in my life, how I've been at my absolute lowest in my faith, challenging God and hating him...and miraculously came out so much stronger.

I came out loving Him more than ever.

I'm not confident in saying that I've 100% trust, 100 % faith, 100% holiness, but I'm praying everyday that He'll bring me a step closer each time to that.

Not only that, I'm praying for Him to teach me to LISTEN instead of always praying and requesting for something. Something that I need to learn...quieten my heart and listen

Dwelling in His presence gives an indescribable kind of joy from within. Each time without fail. I don't force my non believer friends to come to church neither do i force preach to them. For whatever comes out of my mouth, is from Him and I pray that my actions will touch those around me and that they may come to believe coz they see Him in me. =)

"Whoever claims to Live in Him, must walk as Jesus did - 1 John 2:6"

Moving on...

J msned me today...somehow we came to the topic of C. I wanted to know how she is...as long as she's fine and doing well...i don't wish to know anything more than that. Its not a question that leads to something else, that leads to wanting to know more, or one that leads to the sarcastic "I told you so". It was a question that was straight from the heart. Loving her seems so unfamiliar now...yet i know i still wish for the best for her. J told me to learn to forgive and one day we'll be able to reconcile. It's not that I haven't forgiven, its not that i hate her. But feelings of disappointment that came with those words, had cut like a knife straight into the heart and torn me apart, so much that i can never face her for a long long time to come. Even if we did...I wouldn't want a friendship that's superficial considering the one we had before. I've been down the exact same road with the exact same person...I know the kind of horrors, I know the kind of pain and frustration. I wish I could be there for her at times when i know she's down...but the only thing i can do, is pray that she'll make it through.

It's true when you love someone be it a guy or girl, you'll still care for that one, no matter the hurt and pain inflicted before.

Deep within, I pray you'll be happy. Don't let anyone...anyone at all, take away that joy you have for God. For it will be Him who supports you when you fall. For your joy, the smiles that you have that brightens people's day, it comes from Him.

But still I'm sorry...I still can't bring myself to face you

p.s : aint it amazing that i'm able to type this even when my gastric is killing me right now. RAWR

Bitch Session

OMG LARS...i wonder what's wrong with some people...they love to spam their boyfriends msges almost everyday on facebook...like 9/10 of that person's facebook is her msges. And her msges are ultra childish and mushy!!!

WTF?

Seriously...its a sign of insecurity...you don't have to stake a claim on your boyfriend till this kinda extent. If you have the abilities, you'll be able to keep your boyfriend, if you don't, staking your claim doesn't help...it's gonna make him so suffocated he's gonna leave you sooner or later anyway.

And fucking hell spare a thought for other people. You don't have to publicise your kissing photos! Just coz you managed to steal other people's boyfriend away doesn't mean you have to declare your victory to the whole wide world.

I don't like to judge people...but i hate even more to see my friends sad

And YOU are being too much

MY HIMBO!!!!!!!!!!

=D Hasan is in LOVEEEEE, SO everyone pls go and hound him coz I wanna know who that girl isssss!!!! Bwahahaha! SO EXCITING!!!! *jumps jumps jumps*

Haha omg i miss my himboooo =(

Haiz...its kinda sad how we used to be the 2 bimbos, 1 himbo plus char siew pao...

Nvm Mr Himbo is gonna join MF with ME and we can start our bimbo rampages again! hehe =D YAY! FANTASTICCCCC!!!! CAN'T WAIT!!!!

WHEE!

=) my ordinary Feb 14th turned out to be a super happy therapeutic dayyyy! *grinz* yay!

Of coz any day would be a good one when i get to see my favourite bimb! Went back to visit Saf, Do, Mel and the rest =) SO HAPPYYYY to see the blown up photo and the words i drew "OUB ROX" still at the admin office =)=)=) Working becomes mundane *yawns* after awhile with the exception of the few exciting medical cases, but its the people who makes working so great and fun over there! =) lol though i was immediately cheap labour once i stepped into the dispensary, i never fail to miss the place and people every time I visit my work place hehe!

All that's missing is JENNNNNNNNN!!!!!

seriouslyyyy never ending bimbo-ness...
btw that around her neck is not a shawl...

its the day's closing of receipts. Lol

SO anw after being ps-ed and upset for not being able to club ytd, the night wasn't so bad after all since i had a bullshitter for company hohoho*grinz* Rawr Mr Smart didn't tell me he could book the movie tix so we ended up getting kanchiong and rushing down to *AHEMS* BISHAN at 7 plus and ended up with 2nd row seats. Fantasticccc.

Lol ohwells, though my neck was aching and i was getting dizzy coz the screen was too close AND i was freezing haha ok larrr i had good company who was bullshitting and being cynical at the same time so it wasn't as bad =)

ANW Jumper is a lame show larrr...super ultra duhh...luckily Hayden Christensen is quite goodlooking bwahaha!

THEN the night totally totally was the TOPPS!!!!

Coz I FINALLY got to sit on a swing after wad..16 years??!!! OMG! Growls i don't understand why all the swings have to be removed from the playgrounds!!! How can it be called a playground without swings!!!! *faints* Cmon falling, getting injured and all is part and parcel of a kid's life. Nobody told them to be dumb and stand on the swings then fall and break their jaws riteee? BOO!

Hehehehehe! I'm easily contented. Gimee a chance to be back to a silly kid and I'll be eternally grateful =D An adults life sucks...who wants to be all oldy mouldy fugly boring ol hag who's gonna be stuck in the office all day?! Harloeee i only have like a couple of years more before i enter the boring fucked up backstabbing world of politics, i'm sooo gonna enjoy myself to the fullest now. Of coz there're always times which calls for seriousness YES I KNOW , just that I refuse to be all that (all the time) right now. Think about it, how often will you be able to go out and have silly childish fun when you're out working?! How often will you be able to get to go wild at the playgrounds without people staring at you assuming you're insane? Even when you bring your kids to the playgrounds next time, it'll be THEM playing and YOU watching AND the inner child in you wishing that you could have that kinda fun too!

Cmon! Life's supposed to be FUN! Live in the moment! Who cares how people think that we're silly and crazy aslong as we're the ones happy at the end of it all! Let people go ahead and judge.

There're times to be serious and be an adult, and times for that inner crazy kid to be let out! =)=)=) it's good to be a bimb sometimes haha

SO Mr Encyclopedia, live and learn *winks*

At the crossroads

Do i really want to be stuck doing something that i'm not interested in in the future?

=( my passion haven't changed...but its just so hard to get there now...

PANIC!!!! RAWR the future seems so bleak and scary growls...but there'll always be some points in your life where you make the important decisions that set you for life...

I pray that You'll guide me in that path you planned for me ...teach me to trust in You and to leave it in Your hands. For Your plans for me are perfect.

Danger Zone

I don't like the vulnerable feeling after sharing too much of your life with people that you've yet to know. Not that I want to generalize and put everyone in that category...but it's happened so many times before, I'm more than aware of it. I feel torn.

Reality

Survival

Backstabbing

Betrayal

Where does friendship and trust fit into all these?

I wish so much to go back to 8 mths ago...now I wish to trust but I simply can't do it completely anymore. Not without the persistent doubts that always hover around me. Its not just an annoying feeling...its one that tears you apart completely and leaves you empty. As if telling you you shouldn't be feel happy around people anymore. Coz it's wrong.

To all my lovelies =D

Yes to those I've promised to dedicated posts to :

Jenn, Saf!!!!! I miss you bimbs!!!! =( *SOBZ* even though you both gang up so naturally to SUAN ME, I decided to overlook all of that bwahaha. =D

To my darling Jenn who's getting engaged soon, CONGRATS!!!! *muacks* Damn Walton finally stole you away from us BOOHOO! Buttt I'm SO EXCITED for you lars! =)=)=)

I love them coz they're the MOST bimbo, bitchy and craziest girlfriends anyone can possibly wanna get. *grinz* it doesn't matter that we rarely get to meet up (actually it does...WHEN'S OUR NEXT GIRLS NIGHT OUT!?) coz the fun never ever diminishes!

YOU SEE, i can't put up our pweetty faces coz you still haven't sent me the photos!Growl!

And Lianguooooo!!!! I didn't leave you out on purpose!!! Lol see you're always so close to my heart that I tend to forget that you're in U.S this sem! Lol hehe...a nice surprise to get your call! Enjoy the snow and freezing your ass off over there muahaha. Wear more clothes larr k! I don't know what's with NUS guys...they love to bring little clothes when they go overseas DURING WINTER. =) Damn smart. Oh yarr I read your blog! The red shirt reminds me of how you all always wear red during exam days larr =( won't get to see it this sem alr haizzz

And to the horrible PIG Junwei who's currently trying to tempt me with BnJ icecream (EEKS) thanks for the sweeeeeeet cookie which I had to down with lotsa water. =D YUMMY!*slurps*I'm easily contented hohoho I think it was kinda like a bribe not to bite off people's heads since I was in a bad mood BWAHAHA. Nvm that, I love gifts! All shapes and sizes accepted anytime anywhere *grinz*

my yummy treat that kept me company in CL today
amidst the disgusting lecture notes =)=)=)

You

It's not that I don't think about you...every other day you come into my mind.

Sometimes I wish I knew about what's going on in your life...even just the surface...but you've decided to shut me out together with everything else that could possibly let me know.

I don't know if its a good or bad thing...coz it hurts that i miss you terribly sometimes. I look back and always feel that it's a pity to watch what we had crumble and fall apart like that.

other times i convince myself

just fuck it

there's no way either of us could fight the circumstances. We're too weak for it.

I don't know if you'll ever come to convince yourself that I'd loved you more than any kind of friendship or relationship could bring. I cared for you coz you truly mattered to me. It doesn't make me forget with time.

It leaves a scar that will never be washed away. But this scar will forever be hidden and kept away.

If you're someone who only knows me on the surface, don't bother guessing, you most probably wouldn't know who i'm talking about anw.

Bwahaha!

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.


2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.


4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.


5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.


6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots All the goo...

Liberated

I feel liberated after turning down the interview...just too many things on my mind, too little time this semester and too drained to take on the role. There's not gonna be another chance anymore but...ohwells...I'm not prepared to wanna go back to life as it was before anyway. I'm happy giving all of that up.

I'm happy where I am now.

Even though I feel that I'm getting too comfy till sometimes it feels like im stepping in danger zone...I'm scared, but that's nothing much I can do about it.

It matters to me (Faith Hill)

Baby tell me where'd you ever learn
To fight without sayin' a word-
Waltz back into my life
Like it's all gonna be alright
Don't you know how much it hurts-

When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you(-)
How can I make you see,
It matters to me

Baby I still don't understand
The distance between a woman and a man
So tell me how far it is
And how you can love like this
'Cause I'm not sure I can

I can't reach out to you if you don't wish to reach out to me too. I'm trying to understand...I'm trying to find strength...I'm trying my best but I'm fading fast. I'm clinging on to nothing but a bunch of hurtful words...

Distance doesn't necessarily make the heart grow fonder...it makes the heart forget. It lets the memories fades. It makes the tongue awkward to words of comfort.

I'm don't wish to do anything more. Right now I'm just too tired and drained to continue fighting it...when everything's meant to be broken.

I feel so drained...

sometimes you feel so distant that I don't feel its the same anymore...

Life's unexpected turns

It sometimes doesn't occur to you to appreciate your family until it hits you the hardest. =(

I'm not gonna say "I know how you feel...I understand" coz I can't say I know what you're going through. I can only feel for you.

I'm not gonna say "Take it in your stride" coz it's an impact that hits so hard it impossible to swallow the truth. I can only tell you that I'll be here when you need to break down.

I'm not gonna say "You're gonna be ok" coz I know it's never gonna be ok for a long time and it's still too raw to see the future. I can only advise you on your next few realistic steps since you have the right to not be clear headed now.

I'm not gonna say "You can't break down in front of your family coz they need you now". I can only say THIS is your family. It's ok to break down, it's only human. Don't keep it in coz you'll only fall apart. But in the end, know that you're gonna be strong for them too.

Sometimes I feel that the standard condolences are kinda bullshit coz it doesn't help much and it doesn't make much sense to me. If it happened to me, and someone says all these to me...I'll most prob swear and exclaim that of coz it's ok...it's not your loved ones.

That's why I didn't say much. I just let him cry it out to me. There's nothing much for a friend to say coz it's a path they have to walk themselves.

I can only say I will be here whenever you need as much as I possibly can coz you've been there for me too.

That's what friends are for.

=)

Happy CNY to the dearies over in Switz, Ahgong and Peiyu! =)

and to Chipz in Aust

and of coz to those who are coming to my house to kope angbaos

and to Junwei who's in HK freezing his ass off for New Year =D cheapskate larr run overseas to bi nian blehhh

Today, I shall thank God for the great inventions of aircons and warm cosy beds. It was DAMN FRIGGIN HOTTT in the afternoon! Aurgh and it doesn't help that I was dragged outta bed to run errands TWICE. RAWRRRR.

=)=)=) I love my bed *muacks*

Went Wala for our chillout session ytd...I was just telling Vin that I'll be ok as long as the band doesn't go and play 'Lips of an Angel' AND the next song was thattttt!!!! GROWL! =( I miss my Ahgong =( =( =( the week is passing by soooooooooooooooo slowwwwwwwwwwwwllllllllyyyyy. GRRR!

AND wonder why there are no photos even when we've went out soooo manyyyyy times?

let's all look at Mr Slowpoke Vin =)

the pieces of my heart are missing you...

=( the happiness from getting the call from Ahgong was soon replaced by that horrible sad feeling of missing him =(

I miss him sticking his tongue out at me when he's trying to weasel his way outta doing something
I miss his cheeky look, the one where I usually just melt and lets him do whatever he wants
I miss his blurry swirl of words when he just woke up
I miss him burying his nose into my hair to smell my shampooed hair
I miss his Ahgong smell
I miss him picking me up and twirling me around
I miss his silly self with me in our self contained bubble
I miss his reassuring voice everytime i'm upset about something
I miss his hug attacks
I miss his hand in mine
I miss his lazy bum self
I miss his laughter that keeps me afloat
I miss his blur look when he confuses himself *grinz*
I miss him asking me "How's your day?" everyday
I miss his satisfied face everytime he sees food
I miss the late night phone calls where I get to bitch about every single thing that happened that day
I miss being able to dial his number and see our photo appearing on the screen
I miss the security I get in his arms as if no harm's gonna get me
I miss him telling me it's all gonna be ok
I miss him eating from the same stall as me everytime we lunch...it seems so wrong to be eating yong tau foo without him =(
I miss him sitting on my right everytime I eat or watch a movie
I miss his crappy warbed theories that never fails to amaze me
I miss him being there everytime something goes wrong
I miss him strengthening the lil me who fears deep within
I miss the yummy treats he gets for me *slurps...no more=(*
I miss him nagging at me when I don't eat or I skip my lectures
I miss him pulling my hands away when I'm biting my nails or rubbing my eyes

I hate my life at home. It sometimes doesn't even seem to me like a home. On the surface everything's great, everyone's great...but underneath it all...no one really understands how hard it is to be in this family. The scars on me hasn't healed...

That's the reason I stay out everyday...I stay in school everyday...

I'm damn fucking tired of everything...I just wanna SLEEP after a long day in school. *SOBZ*

No thanks to idiots who love to annoy me online. Fuck larr everyone just go away. Damnit. GO AWAYYYYYYYY!

Thank Gawd for chill-out session tmr... I super duper ultra need tequila.

YAYYYYYYYYY! SO HAPPY! I finally got to talk to Ahgong on webcam! =D=D=D=D=D=D

SOOOOOOO HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!!!!!!!!

=( Boo i miss him so much! Rawr come home now!!! 3 days there is enough! bleh!

I wanna sayyyyy...

Thanks Junwei! =)

It hurts

so bad

to know that

I've hurt you so much before

The sweetest thing anyone can ever say...

"You have me"

=( I miss him so much as i scanned through all the past msges he sent...things that bring me so close to tears

I keep missing the times he gets online =( its so annoying

5 mths seems so far away =(

The octopus that we wanted to get Vin! =( eeks it'll be sooo much cooler giving it the 'blowjobs'
OK NVMMMMMM!

Vin's 24th! =)

Ok let me explain. We got this inflatable beanless bag thingin for him and everyone was giving it 'blowjobs' to make it "HARD AND STIFF" as Ahgong puts it LOL. It's amazing how he can say the most OMG things at the weirdest times n it just stuns everyone. And Junwei is giving Roopesh a damn suggestive look we have NO IDEA why. Haha. It was a damn fun night. What with the damn spicy food for dinner, all our love and saliva that went into the beanless bag, the WUSS Bacardi Breezers, the 2 pints of Ben and Jerrys, the cool-but-i-didnt-get-it-till-the-end movie "The Inside Man", and of coz the funniest company you can get *grinz*

Friends are made of these. Those who help you through, and even better, those who crap, bullshit and smoke their way through together with you to pull each other up in these hardest times =)

Vin

Ahgong

Janice

Junwei and Roopesh

Dips dumb face lol

Back to being a MUGGER =(

Went back to school with Dips to mug. Decided to give myself a break for 3 weeks to spend time with Ahgong before he leaves and since he left already, its time to get down to SERIOUSSSS work bahh.

Was walking back home from a quick lunch at Clementi Central today before heading down to school...then it started pouring. Things that came to my mind while i was walking on the slippery roads.

1. Ahgong's away...its a sad gloomy day
2. There will be no one to catch me the way he does in these 5 mths.
3. Remembered the time when I fell at YIH, he rushed down from Central, piggybacked me up to UHWC and waited with me throughout that horror. The beginning of that journey.
4. Worried that he still insists on not carrying an umbrella and i'm not there to nag him =(

Waking up in the morning was horrid coz it came to mind that he's finally away and I won't be able to see him till July 8th. But the experience is not as horrid as i thought since everyone is here for each other's support now. It's great to have friends who help you through. It's even better to have the damn retarded ones who help you crap and bullshit this hard time away. *grinz* Yay!

Vin's fantastic. Halfway through talking with Dips came this message.

"Hey want to go out on wed? Dinner and drinks? I know this great place. Free flow champagne for ladies =) we can all head out to chill out. Holiday the next day too!"

So I went GREAT and told Dips about it. Then we were thinking...why so shiok ar next week got holiday.

CHINESE NEW YEAR EVE LARRR!!!!! Blur toot.

Lol pigg...make me damn excited to have free flow champagne! Damn! =(

Yarr ok I have this tendency to jump from one point to another so fast that there's totally no link but NVM. BAck to Ahgong. I'm feeling so much more assured that Peiyu has met up with him alr. At least someone to help settle him in and hopefully teach him to cook bwahhaah. Lol she gives me this impression of a nice lil mother hen who's damn independent and daring. Peiyu! I'm counting on you! =D=D=D

Okiesss sleep time! There's church tmr =) I love going back to church. I love the familiar feeling of being back in His presence. And I know He's holding me up...He's strengthening me =)

I declare today a horrible sad black friday =( *sobz* coz Ahgong just flew awayyyy...MILESSSS AWAYYYYY to Zurich *bawls* 5 mths seems to be forever. July seems like it'll never ever come =( Broke down right after he entered the departure gates =( I'm so glad for Dips, Vin, Janice, Roopesh, Junwei, the whole bunch who are gonna keep me sane in this period. Something else which made me all the more realise how much i appreciate them, they are not complicated. They helped shift my life back into normal mode when i'm at the lowest. Fuck it with the previous life I had. I'm never going back.

I realise God's grace through this...how He never closes one door without opening another. Hearing about Dips "friends" leaving him after the breakup sounded so familiar to me. But we came to this conclusion to just fuck it ...we don't need them if they can't go through shit with us. All the bullshit about 'i can't be friends with you coz i'm the used-to-be other half's friend first'. And how they give up on you or just don't make the effort at all to meet up or even contact anymore.

"We're all here for you" was something that was told to me constantly by this bunch of friends...something that was never said to me by them . What was told to me was
"I'm in a difficult position"
"there wouldn't be smoke without fire"
"i don't like to get myself involved in all these"

I can't get it outta my mind. I tried and tried but I just can't. It hurts the most when it comes from that person you've learnt to trust after sucha long while. I was there when you all needed me...24/7 i was there. But slowly you guys gave me up. I've given up trying. I'm letting you all go coz you first let me go. I won't hold on to you...i'll rather walk away....

ANW...photos coming upppp! =)

AND last but not least

To Ahgong :

"Holding On For You" (Liberty X)

Sunshine fades to gray
The second I'm away
Minutes turn to hours
Without you
Time keeps marching on
Now summers been and gone
And I'm still here alone
Still waiting.

I'm on my own
A million miles away
Temptation all around
I won't be long
So please be strong
Cos I'm holding on for you

Trust is all it takes
But people make mistakes
Cos we are only human
Lets face it
I struggle through the day
Pretend that I'm okay
I make believe that you're here
Beside me

I'm on my own
A million miles away
Temptation all around
I won't be long
So please be strong
Cos I'm holding on for you

You are the only one that I truly believe in
So don't ever think that I would ever deceive you baby
Without a doubt you are my rhyme and my reason
And I won't let you down