i only wish to be happy...

except for the few ever loyal peeps or those who are bored outta their minds and have nothing else better to do, i doubt anyone else comes here anymore...which makes it more or less safe...

to recall the past 2 years is just too much of pain and horror...the ups and downs and downs and downs. i wonder why people love to butt their noses into other people's private stuffs and create a whole load of shit outta it, or how some people are too miserable about their pathetic farking life they wish to make others lives just as miserable, or how we can trust in someone so much and overnight they chose to take sides with their just as pathetic boyfriends (as above mentioned).

life's pathetic sometimes

and NO its not that I've not let go of the the past, I'm long past that...just that once certain things have happened, certain parts of you have changed...no longer being able to be the same person you are, you're trapped. And those who don't know you well enough, they feel that you're being an idiot not able to let go of the past and that you're not being brave enough to move forward and they are sick and tired of hearing you whine and cry about your past...well...maybe they haven't thought about the plain fact that not everyone is like them and able to suck up everything and move on...if its possible, why call it HURT?

the first time I met Li again after soooo damn long (thx to a stupid ultra farking bastard who no doubt ought to die a horrible death and be banished to the darkest parts of hell for the farking thing he has done to destroy my social life, which i'm happy to announce that i've gotten it back and BETTER) , something she said hit me hard...that at that point of time when things were so rough between so many of us and I was caught up in the stupid union and their retarded nonsense, instead of feeling angry she actually felt sad that I had turned out that way, when I used to be such a happy-go-lucky girl who loved the world...then i turned out to be someone who hated the world...

which brings me to another thing

RELATIONSHIPS

the ultimate hurt

i feel like i'm on an emotional rollercoaster ride again. Ever since that day, I told myself to stop throwing tantrums...duhh, i'm not stupid, i know its annoying to put up with a crazy girl getting mad at all the things that you say. I told myself again and again and AGAIN to ignore feelings of hurt...but why am i not voicing them out, instead i'm pushing it to the back of my heart once again? The only thing i'm ever asking for is for someone to be a little more sensitive in choice of words...but as much as it is always either brushed aside, willingly or unwillingly acknowledged, the same problem comes up. Everytime I feel happy...I'm always brought down by SOMETHING. I hate that kind of feeling. Most of all, I hate that kind of fear. The fear of knowingly that the unhappiness is just lurking somewhere waiting for someone to activate and ruin your day.

I started out looking forward to today...to being happy...and now its all downhill again...(I'm sooo glad I'm finally gonna booze again with Elv tmr...alcohol can't solve anything, but at least the action of it takes the pain away temporarily)

"why am I on the search again when I know what the end will be?"

I've more or less given up...I've decided to stop getting angry, start blogging, and continue to banish that hurt to the back of my mind and heart each time. I don't know how bad it'll make my system go with the constant built up since i'm never one to keep things to myself, butttt i think i'm getting an obsession with hurting myself anyway.

It hurts just as much when you're constantly being told that you're not this, you're not that...you should be this, you should be that.

you should be stronger
you shouldn't always cry
why are you so afraid of little things
why are you always like that
what is wrong with you AGAIN

I'm never good enough...

that's ME...no guy was able to survive ME anyway, came to that conclusion, and that was when I've given up on loving...just when I started to love again....