Loving you...was the hardest thing to do

Walking away...was beyond any form of hurt and emotion. Far beyond.

I don't know what else everyone wants me to do. Of coz you can happily comment on other people's relationship. You have someone to love you just the way you love her. Have you ever walked away, shattered as a person?

Never came across this kind of hurt. Never been so shattered before. Coz I've never learnt to love anyone this much before. Not Calvin, not Marc, not Amos, not Ray, not Ming, not even Elv. I've never loved anyone like the way I've loved you...

Half a year ago, you were my SP during Union Camp. We were made to hold hands...I didn't know that it would be those pair of hands I would want to hold for the rest of my life.

I didn't get to meet you during the dinner coz I fell terribly ill. You saw me being carried out. Like a sillyboy, you were worried yet secretly relieved that you didn't have to do those stunts.

Every girl was musing at you hoping to get to talk to you during the dinner. But you were so silly you didn't realise. When I came back, everyone was telling me how good-looking and nice you were. I was still puking my guts out, I didn't really care.

Went to matric fair with Jeanette and finally got to meet you at your Karate booth. I was cursing at everything, wondering why in the world were the matric packs so damn heavy. You were that Mr Nice Guy who helped me carry the bags all the way out.

We talked on MSN and messaged over the phone. You would ask me why my MSN nicks were so sad. But I had too many things on my mind to be so engaged with an almost stranger.

My heart was broken and I was shattered as a person. I don't know why but at that instant, you came into my mind. I wanted to talk to you, wanted to meet up with you. We decided to go to the zoo to cheer me up.

I met you at Redhill MRT. Couldn't really recognise you at first. You came with the MnMs. It was a passing remark that I thought you would have forgotten. We had fun losing ourselves in the zoo. I made you talk your heart out, you revealed your new crush. I was happy for you, and was about to do everything I could to help a clueless guy how to chase a girl.

We met up often after that. We did silly things. You would tell me when you sank because of her. I would be there for you. You became a hurt lil boy I wanted to do everything to protect. Coz I didn't want you to go through the same things I did. I advised you all I could. And then slowly, I got upset when you told me you were crashing her lectures. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was coz I didn't want you to waste your time, and be hurt yet again. I didn't know that it was something else.

I fell for you without myself knowing. Incoherent thoughts telling me that it couldn't be. Things were still unclear with a certain someone else. But the more I came to know you, the more I knew that what I needed, was all that you could give, and not him. I didn't know who to trust with my thoughts. The only person I could turn to, was Li. She gave me the world's most shocked look ever. I thought it was funny. We agreed that you didn't need this now. I would keep it to myself. I realised I don't need you to know that I love you. As long as I saw you happy, I would too.

Went to celebrate Pau's birthday at TH. Was once of the fun times I've had in awhile. I got lost in pouring detergent at all the rest and getting myself soaked too. As me and Pam had a fun time splashing Bo in the toilet, you came back into my mind. I came to realise that no matter how happy I was, the fact that I was hurting over you, wouldn't go away.

I slowly came to stop myself from telling you to get over her. We all take our time to get over things. I knew you would too.

Was on my way to Pam's room to finish up the surprise for Pau when I fell coz it was raining. You were having booth duty at Central so I called you for help. I was bleeding so badly, crying profusely. I don't know why when you came, I felt so much better. You piggy backed me up the stairs. You hugged me and held my hand throughout the wait. You weren't allowed to come in with me during treatment. You stood right outside, hearing me scream and not knowing what to do.

You sank after what Dr Victor told you. You msged me when I was in the toilet, not knowing that I didn't bring my hp with me, and that it was just beside you. I came back, found that I had a new message, I read it right in front of you. I didn't know how to react to it. I told you I'm leaving and that you don't have to send me. Li was with me, she held me as I cried at the busstop right outside.

There were two roads to walk down, one road to choose. I chose to tell you in the end. I msged you.

After a few days, things were back to normal. We were still as close as we used to be. You got over her, telling me that you couldn't have done it if it was without me. Everyone was telling you how nice I was, asking how I knew you. You told them this Owl fell from the sky. I wasn't nice, I did all that, coz I loved you.

We did the silliest things imaginable. But I was more than happy. I loved hugging you. You loved returning the 'hug attacks', anywhere and everywhere. We were walking taking a break from studying at Macs when I was talking about embracing racism. You gave me the happiest shock when you suddenly hugged me, lifted me and twirled me around. When you let me down, you gave me the cheekiest grin and said "hello racism"

I told you to give counselling a try. I hated myself for saying so. Despite you telling me that I don't have to, I followed you to the Staff Club. I hugged you as you went in. I sat outside with my Organic Chem text, not able to study. My whole mind was thinking of how you were in there. Throughout the whole hour, I didn't leave that place. When you came out, it shattered me how broken I saw you. It totally shattered me as you hugged me telling me not to ever leave you...I held your hands all the way on the bus to KR where you left. I didn't know how to keep you from sinking. Tears fell as I saw you walk away. I hurried to Forum where Li held me as I cried and cried and cried my heart out.

I sank again and again of what your friends were telling you. I didn't understand why people had to judge us and our relationship. I didn't understand why you had to care so much, coz I didn't until you did.

Your birthday was on the 12th of Nov. We went out on the 11th to celebrate at Sentosa since Saf booked a room there. On impulse, we took a cab up to Mt Faber to take the cable car down to Sentosa. Awed by the beauty of the scene high up there, yet I was more happy with the fact that it was you beside me. There, you were happily playing with Ali while I was gossiping with Saf. Nearing 10 we went for a walk at the beach. There, we walked for the first time hand in hand. We walked at the edge of the waters. I wrote your name in the sand saying Happy Birthday Puang. You kept wanting to see your present but I insisted to wait till 12am. You held me as we played all the happy songs. Wonderful Tonight, you posted it in your blog the next day. For the first time, we spoke of every single thing kept in our hearts. I wished time could stand still when you kissed me lightly on the cheeks and held me throughout. I told you I came to this conclusion that no matter how long it takes, I will wait for you. You couldn't believe that there would be anyone who believed in you as much as I had and did, you told me thank you.

We met on the 13th. Went for dinner and then went to the rocks at the waterfront. You held me again as you asked me why I wanted to do this to hurt myself. I told you my reasons and what I believed in. I was the world's happiest girl when you told me those words. When you asked me if we shall walk this path together. We promised that whatever it is, we'll make it through with each other.

And then I was broken. Was there a use for the words "I'm sorry" ? To me, those are the world's most hurting two words.

You were there all the times I needed you so much. You were always there. I couldn't convince myself that the person sitting in front of me, was someone that I didn't love.

We couldn't get out of it. We got more and more tangled up in each other. The conversation was brought up too many times. We sank and floated too many times. Too many times.
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It'll be over soon. It'll fade to memories. Something left alone behind. Something we had before...or never did.

We'll forget we ever had a history. We'll forget the way we used to be.

You know what hurts? Knowing my life down the road will be without you.

Two roads to walk down, one road to choose. I chose the one that could make you happy.

Take care.