Charr Chard!!!

"If God tells me to die to prove my worth for you, I'm most definitely not gonna do it. Why not? Coz I wanna spend the rest of my life with you..."

=) hehhz sorry but this is gonna sound really familiar to 2 people. Just thought it was really sweet *winks* Aww

Waiting for Baby and Li to finish their exams. *GROWL* I'm in a horrible charr chard mood!!! BREAKOUTS!!! Bahh and I look like a BIG FAT LIPID-FIED PANDA. GAAAH! *sobs* don't think there'll be a return of the 'slut top' anymore this Fri unless I MIRACULOUSLY lose like 5 kg in the next 3 days, which can't happen coz I don't have time to exercise due to : tue, meeting Li to shop ; wed, meeting my Baby for the long awaited AFTER EXAMS date ; thurs, meeting Qing who's back from Aust (n surprisingly not preoccupied with her darrrling bleh haha). SEE SEE SEE!!!! Tell me lah! Where got time to exercise???!!! I'm just gonna go shopping and eat and get FAAAAT lah. Gawwd what the hell was I doing during the exam period!!!??? Snacking too much now I pay the price of looking like a huge ugly pile of...LIPID. BOO =( I wanna CRRRRRRRY. Ok I shall not say that haha later someone say heart pain then start whacking me =p

Die die die die die. Haven't played in church for SO DAMN LONG and kena scheduled to play this month. Haiz and his msg came at a time when I was thinking to leaving this church for good and like join Li or Chang's church (due to some issues with my mum baah don't even ask). And also feel that ever since moving to the new church, everything seems so different. Everyone's changing and drifting apart. The new place doesn't seem to have the same sense of home as the one back in Telok Ayer. Yaa..I know playing for service is supposed to be a good thing coz it's my service for God and I should not be complaining. Guess I just can't get over my fear. It's a vicious cycle.

1. Stage fright
2. Pedelling leg starts shivering
3. Can't concentrate with all the shivering
4. Plays all sorts of nonsense
5. Back to 1

I'm still stuck on that one Sunday when EVERYTHING went SO DAMN WRONG. I know it's not her fault but just felt so betrayed when I was suddenly left alone to walk up the stage to play, when I thought she would be sitting beside me. Haiz at least have the courtesy to TELL ME that you're not coming on with me caan?? OMG MAJOR PANIC when I look back to see her sitting below. Missed a chord and totally couldn't find my way back. No one there to help me. Stepped down from the stage and I HAD to be wearing the my stupid heels which made the LOUDEST noise, of which I'm SURE echoed throughout the entire chapel, where 500 pairs of eyes were boring into me thinking that I'm sucha big fat loser. =(

That was the one time I felt soooo degraded, felt that I played even worse then a 1st grader at her 1st piano lesson. I hate it, mostly coz I'm so irritated with myself. It's only a freaking 15 mins!!!Why can't I just relax. I'm irritated with myself coz I know for myself how much MORE I'm capable of. Coz I know for myself how hard I've practised every single day of the week, and how rehearsals would go so well...but on stage would just fall apart.

THAT sunday, I couldn't bear to sit through service. Hid myself in the toilet and cried for more than an hour talking to Li, and she had to drag herself out in her 'charr chard' mood just to make sure I'm alright. Love you *Aww* Called Chipz and whined for damn long too.

It makes things even harder that my mum is so popular in church. An invisible tonne of pressure on me that I HAVE to perform up to standards. I hate the aunties there. Aunties who'll go up to my mum and say "hey, that's your daughter playing for service just now arh?" Somehow I always get this feeling that in their minds they'll be thinking "yeah and she's sucha lousy player, wonder what's she doing up there in the first place"

No. 1 I didn't ASK to be a sanctuary pianist. My dear ol Shifu HAD TO recommend me to Lester when he said there were lack of sanctuary players. BOO. =( I almost jumped outta my skin when Lester approached me that time. I have NO IDEA why I took on the role when I know of my own problem, when I'm perfectly happy where I am playing for youth service.

Haiz...I miss Shifu. She used to be the one sitting beside me, who understands my extreme case of stage fright and who taps on my pedalling leg whenever I run outta beat. She's hardly around anymore since she's on call for almost every Sun ever since she started working BOO =(

I wanna step down. I don't think I can do it anymore.

Is it gonna be a bad thing since I've already sworn in during the installation service for the worship team?

This is not the first time I'm thinking of stepping down. The last time when I told Elv, he said he'll be disappointed in me. It means that all this time that I've been playing, I have no idea what in the whole I'm doing. His words hurt, but it gave me a bit of a driving force. Just a bit...my fear still exists.

Haiz maybe I'll just hang on till Chipz is back for good. Haha then I'll recommend YOU to Lester =D and gracefully retire bwahaha. Hee you're a much better pianist than me even when you DON'T PRAC!!!! Yeah and Sabby can play too! Yaay, 2 pianist to replace lil ol me. Wahlauu still say church got no pianists. Sheesh.

Btw Chipz I want my nougat =D hee...I've champagne!!! Nagged Jie to buy for me from duty free when she came back from Batam (sheesh I almost typed Batman) Haha I'll share with you IF I see my nougaaaaaat *grinz*

I'm still in a grouchy mood...coz I STILL feel like a huge pile of lipid. GAAH!